Random Bits 7
by Nashiil
Summary: More than just comments fly when civilized conversation meets...well, Yuna and her Guardians


I apologize for the long delay in posting. I had numerous exams to study for, but those are all behind me now, so here's RB7! Sit down, grab a plate, and join in.

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Random Bits 7

Setting: Yuna's Guardians have spent the day helping with village repairs after a minor hurricane.

**Besaid Village** - Lulu's house – After a long day of intense physical labor, Lulu has generously made dinner.

Dinner was promptly served as the hungry companions mobbed the low table. Tidus and Wakka dug in immediately, shoveling spoonfuls into their mouths as fast as they could swallow (only chewing enough to prevent choking). Since the repairs began it didn't seem to matter what was served as long as there was something to fill their bellies with. Lulu had even discovered the two of them desperately testing several species of beetles for edibility.

Rikku giggled and flicked a speck of food at Tidus, who picked it up and ate it without a second thought. She licked the next one, which met with the same result. The girl rolled one of her strange eyes at Auron's grunt of disgust. Next she rubbed one on the underside of the table before sending it skipping into the range of the blond's fork.

The Al Bhed girl gave the older man a smirk that mentally snickered _beat that_. She was regarded with a disapproving stare. Feeling that she had just been reprimanded, Rikku sighed and started eating her dinner with a disconcerted shudder. It wasn't that the girl wasn't used to the man's single-eyed gaze, it was the fact that Auron had decided to wear the false eye that he had received on his Deathday. It was one of the more expensive glass eyes, but the Legendary Guardian's companions had grown accustomed to an Auron with one eye. Besides, the blasted thing tended to either remain fixed straight ahead no matter where he was looking, or float to the opposite direction at random moments. It reminded Rikku of the strange new google eyes that the doll makers in Luca were using.

Auron cleared his throat and caught Rikku's eye as she hesitantly looked up. Keeping his face totally devoid of emotion, and his eye locked on the girl, he speared a chunk of food, swirled it in a liquid substance on his plate, then wiped it down Kimahri's forearm. He grinned at the impish eagerness spreading over Rikku's face as he discreetly tossed the hairy chunk towards Tidus.

Both Guardians watched tensely as the food was stabbed and popped into the boy's mouth. Tidus' vigorous mastication slowed for a moment and he briefly picked through the contents on his plate. Finding nothing suspicious, he swallowed the ghastly mouthful and went about clearing his plate.

Rikku stifled a sickened gasp, while Auron grinned nastily into the recesses of his collar. Rikku was just about to have another go at it when she looked right into the line of Yuna's admonishing glower. The Al Bhed girl covertly nudged her partner in crime and waggled her eyebrows desperately in the Summoner's direction. Auron's face froze into utter blankness, then with a stoic shrug, he began eating his dinner with the determined and resigned air of a soldier stuck with latrine duty. It wasn't that Lulu was a bad cook, it was just that she was used to cooking for someone who didn't particularly care what the meal tasted like.

Kimahri sniffed the gray chunk on his plate, then cautiously prodded the greenish pod shaped _things_ next to it. A quick taste revealed that they were some type of vegetable. They were probably 'good for you', but tasted like old rubber bands or an aired out skunk. He would have preferred a nice heaping bowl of Whatever Stew. (At least the small insects, worms, and the occasional reptile were a form of meat.) After wiping off his tongue, the Ronso discreetly scraped the contents of his plate into the potted plant behind him. Days later Wakka would search in vain for the source of the dead animal smell and Lulu would wonder about the rapid growth of the plant.

Auron gave his leonine companion an amused snort and reached for the salt. The salt shaker went up and down over the Legendary Guardian's entire plate. He kept shaking and shaking, and shaking. The veteran warrior was prone to what was known as 'Sleeping on the salt'. Of course, this phenomenon can happen with any condiment, but is seen mostly with salt. It is the (often unnecessary) addition of large quantities of salt. Everyone has at least one relative who seems to go into a trance when they get a hold of the salt shaker. It may even be _you_.

"Would you like a little food with that salt?"

Auron was jerked out of his trance by a voice emanating from across the table. He glared at everyone impartially. The table was round, so it could have been anyone. Slicing a chunk off the salt encrusted gray lump, the Unsent warrior continued with his meal.

"Maybe he's trying to kick-start his heart?" Someone else muttered teasingly. Auron knew it was Wakka, the 'ya' at the end of the sentence being a dead giveaway.

The ex-warrior monk glowered at the beefy Yevonite, who grinned around his dinner.

"At least I can think and shake salt at the same time."sneered Auron, directing a smoldering scowl at Wakka. The islander sputtered with laughter, unaware that the jibe had been directed at him. Lulu shook her head at the man's stupidity but it turned out that Wakka wasn't the only one to misunderstand.

"Hey, I can multi-task!" Tidus retorted hotly, taping his fork on his fingers as he ticked off his 'special abilities'.

"I can shower, shave my legs, and eat my Chocob-O's all at the same time!" he said in the proud tones of a toddler telling mommy and daddy 'I went potty all by myself!'

"Ooooh!" Rikku and Wakka sighed in unified admiration. Both of them fell silent, troubled expressions crouching on their faces as they belatedly realized that there was something wrong with their friend's statement. After a moment several confused neurons fired and both Guardians blurted in unison,

"Doesn't your cereal get soggy!"

"You eat Chocob-O's!"

Auron rolled his eye (the other one floated to the corner of his eye socket and fixed on Yuna) to the ceiling and mentally cursed Yevon, Destiny, and Fate collectively. If he could have seen into Rikku's and Wakka's minds, he knew Rikku's mind would consist of a clockwork monkey with a perpetual smile, happily banging together a pair of brass cymbals. Wakka's mind, on the other hand would contain a severely retarded dust bunny that would probably be picking its nose.

Feeling a slight pang of pity for his companions, Auron decided to give them a little help.

"You shave your legs!" he gasped theatrically, rather proud of his acting skills. The Record of Conversation scratched to a halt. (Vinyl record, n.- a stone age compact disk.)

Rallying magnificently, Tidus replied,

"Among other things." pulling a cheeky grin for good measure. He never missed an opportunity to annoy, tease, or downright mortify the stiff. A nearly uncontrollable urge to vomit slammed into Auron's stomach like dry meatloaf from leftover night. He was too afraid to inquire as to what those "other things" might be. His imagination filled in the blanks for him.

"What?" Tidus demanded as five pairs of eyes stared at him (one pair had an eye that was currently fixed on the table, but that's besides the point) with expressions that told him that his companions were seriously questioning his social life, and his lifestyle.

"It's to cut down on resistance when I'm swimming!" he babbled hastily, desperate to explain, and dispel any fruity ideas his friends may have gotten about him.

The Son of Jecht found himself in the middle of a growing puddle of embarrassed silence. He threw a piece of meat at the older man in a fit of petty revenge. The veteran warrior scooped up a salty veggie, took aim and catapulted it at the boy with unerring accuracy.

"It burns!" Tidus shrieked, falling backwards to roll on the carpet and rub at his eyes. Wakka's braying laughter was cut short by a spoonful of mashed tubers that Rikku shot into his gaping maw.

Rubbing salt from his eyes Tidus flung a handful of food in Auron's direction. It missed of course, and peppered Rikku who squealed. He ducked the gravy-soaked bread she flung in return, and sucking up some tea in his straw, shot it at the Al Bhed girl. The liquid spattered across her face, drawing another shriek and a good natured curse of "Oh poopie!"

Yuna giggled and tossed a few crumbs from her dinner roll. It was an exciting breakthrough for Yuna, since food fights were forbidden territory for a proper Summoner. Like most 'proper' young people who realize that they are old enough to make their own decision (i.e. Do what ever they want, not listen to any one , etc.) Yuna went all out. Feeling quite liberated, she sided with Rikku and launched an attack on the country of Tidus.

Auron was shocked. Never in all his years (living or dead) had he ever seen Yuna act so undignified. All of his attempts to restore order went unheeded. By now it was boys against girls in a full blown food fight. Even Lulu had joined in, throwing the occasional food particle. Neither the boys nor the girls had much food on their persons, mostly because boys don't hit girls and girls can't throw. The table, walls, and floor on the other hand were dripping, oozing, spattered, and permanently stained.

Laughing and screaming, the combatants began throwing food indiscriminately. If it moved it was a target. It was right about then that the fun died an agonizingly humiliating death. With an excited roar Kimahri leaped from his seat, scooped up a Ronso sized handful of food (the entire contents of the mashed tubers bowl to be exact) and flung it with all the strength of an avenging god. The projectile screamed through the air, missed Wakka completely, and hit Lulu square in the chest. The force of the impact caused an impressive series of ripples and subsequently knocked her backwards.

Silence descended like a dropped coffin as everyone froze, staring at Lulu with a variety of expressions ranging from concern to terror. _Awesome! Did you see those ripples!_ Was the thought that surfaced in every male mind in the room. Tidus turned to Wakka to voice this thought, only to find that he was gone. The guy was like a 'Physical harm' miner's canary, or a Lulu mood ring.

Tidus' eyes did a quick scan of the room. Auron was already nonchalantly fading through the tent wall, Wakka was already halfway to the beach, and the girls were slowly backing out of the tent. Kimahri, on the other hand, was still standing at his place by the table in nervous embarrassment. His fur stood on end as the Black Mage slowly rose, brushing at her clothes as if nothing had happened. The calm and relaxed expression on her face was all the Ronso needed to see to know that he was doomed. A calm Lulu was an angry Lulu.

Kimahri jumped as something brushed his foot. A quick glance revealed Tidus. The boy was heading towards the exit on his back, moving by a combination of fingertips and heels.

"Don't mind me. Just passing by. In fact, I'm just a figment of a Fayth's imagination." he whispered in a barely audible voice, trying not to attract Lulu's attention.

A good Ronso never dishonors himself by running from an opponent. Then again, most Ronsos had never met Lulu. Kimahri felt no shame, only an intense urge to find a hiding place and survive.

End.

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Well, that's all for this one. I hope it at least got a giggle. Leave a review with Tidus (He'll be the one cleaning the potatoes off the ceiling.) 


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